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Ten Pop Culture Signs of the Coming Apocalypse

by Michael Lohr

I saw an article in a recent issue of Rolling Stone complaining about all the “Greatest Hits” collections that have been recently released. Yes, groups like the Offspring, Indigo Girls and Collective Soul deserve to release such collections. They have been around long enough to have a quality back catalog, but Hillary Duff? That’s ridiculous. Like a band of wild monkeys skull fucking tourists in the Japanese countryside kind of ridiculous.

Obviously we are facing a full-on culture collapse. The end of everything we know and love is upon us. After much end-time study at an undisclosed Coptic monastery deep in the burning Saharan sands of Egypt as well as several days locked inside Paris Hilton’s very spacious walk-in closet, it has became apparent to me, the apocalypse is indeed near. The signs are everywhere. Below are the top ten reasons why this is so.

9. Hillary Duff released a Greatest Hits record. What’s next, Duff Live from CBGB’s?

8. David Lee Roth was given his own radio show. What’s next, the ghost of Jim Morrison hosting the morning radio show on KROC?

7. American Idol has lasted five years with no end in sight. Forget William Hung, I want to see Paula Abdul pee onstage while throating a banana. That ought to get Simon’s pasty Brit blood flowing.

6. Reality TV still gets ratings. I’ve been waiting for years for someone to die while doing one of these pathetic shows. It is only a matter of time.

5. People still seem to give a damn about Paris Hilton’s love life, Nicole Ritchie’s skank exploits and the Olsen twins eating habits. I heard a rumor the other day that one of these eager starlets is about to star in the Native American skin flick Sucajawea.

4. Professional wrestling still exists. I can only ask the question why? In a world where Pride and Ultimate Fighting Championships are just one step down from the gladiatorial pit, what is the point of having a bunch of hose-bag, meatheads running around in spandex doing choreographed fighting?

2. You can actually buy candles that claim to be scented like Jesus Christ. What’s next Moses Musk aftershave?

And the # 1 reason that we are approaching a pop culture apocalypse; after the lip-synching debacle on Saturday Night Live people still want to listen to Ashlee Simpson. Hence the reason I guess that Ashlee Simpson’s horrible new record hit #1 on the Billboard charts. We are doomed.

Always remember in a politically correct world, Indian corn is actually called “Eco- Indigenous, Native American, agriculturally nurtured, hydroponic food stuffs.”

Michael Lohr is a professional, international journalist, writer and poet. His work has appeared in such diverse magazines as Rolling Stone, Esquire and The Economist, to name a few. He also happens to fancy genre fiction and poetry in particular horror, science fiction and adventure.